Thursday, July 13, 2006

A Thirst for Vengeance...Part 1

Good day...

Consider this my official entry into the Fanficolicious Challenge. Yes, I did procrastinate and yes, I did do most of this last night. So here goes...


I've made a few changes, and a few corrections, so the story may be a little different than originally posted.

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A Thirst for Vengeance...Part 1

By: Aurin_Starkiller


The target was seated in one of the dark corners of the cantina, dining on what seemed to be some type of roasted waterfowl, possibly a duck. Considering the desert planet he was on, such a dish was rare, and expensive. Such thoughts brought Nom's mind to the many unanswered questions he had about his new target. He was assigned to this miserable planet only a few short days ago, with naught but instructions to observe the target's actions and movements in the city. He hadn't even been given the target's name.

Nom hated it when Command was so secretive about an assignment. The last time they had been so secretive about a mission it had ended in an extensive firefight and the deaths of thirteen civilians. Nom was tailing that target through a series of marketplaces when it unexpectedly turned and started firing in his direction. What Command had failed to tell him was that his target's species had a well-developed sense of hearing, enough to hear him draw his weapon from thirty yards away in a noisy marketplace.

At least this new target looked human. Speaking of which, the target had just paid his bill and was on his way out into the busy streets, the hood of his cloak still concealing his face from view. That was another thing about the target that bothered Nom, his face was always hidden by that cloak. He even wore the hood while he was eating.

"The target is on the move," Nom spoke into his earpiece comlink. "Requesting permission to pursue."

"Permission granted, Agent Olesa," his base commander replied, "don't lose the target, but keep your distance. Target is classified as armed and extremely dangerous. Seven Sith knights are on their way, let them handle the situation."

"Excuse me sir, did you say that seven Sith are coming for this guy?" Nom asked in disbelief. Very few foes gained the personal attention of just one Sith, but seven coming for merely one individual was hard to fathom. Nom had only heard of a few persons that the Emperor regarded as that dangerous.

"Affirmative, Agent Olesa. Stay out of their way. They will take care of the target, do not engage under any circumstances."

"Understood, Olesa out." They really didn't have to order him to stay away from the target, anyone who gained the personal attention of seven Sith wasn't someone he wanted to fight anyway.

The desert suns beat down upon Nom, and he briefly wondered how the target could bear wearing his black robes in this heat. The target moved through the crowds quickly and gracefully, passing by people without their notice. It was almost as if they couldn't see him, even though he undeniably stood out from the crowd he passed through.

Suddenly, Nom heard the ignition of a lightsaber from behind him. A moment later a man in black battle dress charged past him, a red lightsaber burning in his hand. The crowd ran from the Sith knight in a frenzied panic as he rushed towards the target. Other knights soon appeared from the fleeing crowd, the rooftops, and adjacent alleyways. The target finally stopped in the middle of the street, surrounded by the Sith.

Nom Olesa was from a race of humans who had developed slight empathic abilities. Not much, but enough to notice strong emotion. Such abilities had proved useful in previous assignments, but not as much in the current one. Whoever the target was, he extremely disciplined and hid his emotions well. However, the aura of hate and fear surrounding the collective Sith was nearly overwhelming. Feared throughout the galaxy that they ruled, the Sith knights and lords were infamous for their control over the Dark Side of the Force, as well as their prowess with the lightsaber.

"It's time to stop running Starkiller," spoke one of the dark knights, an Abyssin wielding a double-bladed lightsaber.

"Believe me, monoc, if I had been running then you wouldn't have caught me so easily," replied the target, pulling the hood of his cloak back to reveal a surprisingly young face.

"We're supposed to offer you the chance to surrender," said the Abyssin, "but I don't think that you're wise enough to take it."

"You're wrong," said Starkiller, a slight grin forming on his face. "I realize that I am completely outmatched and surrender myself completely."

"Do you think to mock us, Starkiller?" scoffed another knight, a human, standing behind him.

"Most definitely." Immediately after saying this, Starkiller spun around and pulled the human knight towards him with a powerful explosion of the Force. The Sith landed on a black lightsaber blade, which had appeared in Starkiller's hand as the knight was flying towards him. The entire feat took only mere seconds, and the rest of the Sith charged forward as their companion's body fell to the ground.

As the remaining Sith battled Starkiller, a strange red smoke began pouring from small holes in his belt. As the smoke filled the area it became increasingly difficult to observe the conflict. Before the combatants were completely obscured by the smoke, Nom noticed a red lightsaber in Starkiller's other hand, and that only four Sith remained standing. Nom pulled out his macrobinoculars and tried several settings in an attempt to penetrate the smoke, but to no avail.
"Agent Olesa, this is Command," his earpiece blared. "Your orders have changed. As soon as you have a clear shot, take the target out."

"Affirmative, Olesa out." Nom drew his customized sniper pistol and waited for a chance to use it.

The sounds of battle were furious, and grew in intensity as it wore on. Then, suddenly, it stopped. The street was eerily silent, and even the aura of hate that Starkiller and the Sith seemed to emit while fighting was gone. Soon the wind picked up and blew away the smoke, revealing the bodies of seven Sith knights lying in the street. Starkiller was nowhere to be seen.

Nom approached the dead bodies cautiously, feeling nauseous and fearful at what he had and hadn't witnessed. The bodies lay there scarred, maimed, and mutilated by their previous battle. Three of them, including the human who had fallen first, were impaled through the torso. Another was separated from its head, while two others were cut cleanly in half. All of the lightsabers were missing.

The last one, the Abyssin, was covered in deep gashes and cuts, and was impaled through the head. This one must have put up quite a fight. Abyssin were famous for their regenerative abilities, and even though it was quite dead some of its wounds were still regenerating.

To be continued...

12 comments:

leialookalike1 said...

would have loved to have known something from Starkiller's POV.
Rather good

YoshiYoda said...

Nice fanfic. I think I noticed a few spelling errors, but good nonetheless.

Diviner525 said...

Whew, very mysterious. I assume that this is the time when the Sith were everywhere (before Darth Bane's rule of two)? There is mention of an Emperor, so that held me for a moment that maybe this was during the OT? Can't be.

I saw that you got the duck out of the way right off, and I can sympathesize. It was something that I toyed with as well.

Anyways, this had alot of action to it, and naturally I'm curious about Starkiller. Defeating seven Sith Knights says alot to his abilties. And I'm wondering who "Command" is.

Unknown said...

Good day...

This story is set in the far future, thousands of years. Darth Krayt, or whoever the new Sith Lord in the Legacy series is dispelled the rule of two.

I fit the duck in wherever possible, it just happened to be in the beginning.

Command is Imperial Command, Nom Olesa is an Imperial Agent. He has a more personal meeting with Starkiller in Part 2...so stay tuned...

God Bless,

May the Force be with you, always...

Hansgirl3 said...

Interesting story. I had a little confusion, not knowing much about the characters, but as you pointed out, this is only the beginning... :D

I saw a few spelling errors as well and a couple of grammatical issues. Other than those couple of item, it was great!

I look forward to reading the continuing story!

YoshiYoda said...

That was another thing about the target that bothered Nom, his face was always hidden by that infernal cloak!

This seems too much like a peice of dialogue, because of the exclamation point.

Unknown said...

"This seems too much like a peice of dialogue, because of the exclamation point."

I had the same concerns about that part as I was writing it. I figured it would be O.K. since the story was told from Nom's POV.

A few people noticed spelling errors, could you tell me where so I can fix them.

God Bless,

Keep the comments coming...

Vicomte said...

Let me start by saying that this story is crap.

The story isn't complete, which makes it hard to judge and understand. If this is the first installment, it's impossible to understand more about it until the second. From what I've read I'm not very interested in the second installment, seeing as this was just a meaningless piece of action without consequence.

The idea is somewhat confusing from the information given, as previously stated. I'm not sure why Nom would just be following this guy if he wasn't to kill him.

The duck reference was poorly handled. I know it demonstrstes that the Target is wealthy and mysterious, but it seems out of place the way it was done. Perhaps describing Nom's mission and the surroundings slightly would make the information more poignant. Just "Oh look, he's eating duck." is too obvious and deliberate. I'm also not believing that Joe-Cantina has duck laying around fresh for no reason. In other words, make the duck thing work with the story. It has to go in because it would have anyway, not because it has to be. Dong ma?

There were multiple capitalization errors, which shouldn't be hard to find and fix. Sentences like, Suddenly, Nom heard the ignition of a lightsaber from behind him. Should be written in the active voice, not passive. Suddenly, Nom heard a lightsaber ignite behind him. Try to cut down on 'Target" and 'Command' by using pronouns, the repetition is annoying.

Another problem with this not being a complete tale is that nothing important really happens. There is no plot or climax or growth or anything. It definitely seems to have been written in a hurry.

The main problem is Starkiller himself. He's too cool, and has all the traits of a Gary Stu in the making.(See, I know fanfic terms. Look at me! ;) He is named after you, for one, which is bad. He can kill seven Sith Knights with ease, he has an unheard of black lightsaber, he has a smoke belt, he's mysterious, cool, and flawless. In other words, he's boring. Make him real. He's too damn cool. Even if the story is told from Nom's perspective, this guy is the star and he ruins it. Give him one arm or something.

I'm hoping you can fix everything in the next installment, because alone, this one sucks.

'Course, I still loves ya, I just hate the story.

God Bless, (Am I doing that right?)

;)

ewanandhaydenfan5 said...

Interesting story. I also would have liked to see some of Starkiller's POV, and I was confused about the timeline.
The black lightsaber is very cool, and I liked the imagery.

Marvolo said...

You know, when I first read this and didn’t like it, I thought it was because I had seen too many bad fanfilms. You know, the ones where a Jedi and a Sith find each other, we have a stiff exchange of dialogue, and the inevitable lightsaber duel ensues. In other words, not much story, just a lot of fireworks. But on my subsequent readings, the story does indeed read like a generic fanfilm. We’ve got Sith hunting down a Jedi, they catch up with him, we get boring and unnecessary dialogue, and everyone proceeds to fight it out. The problem is that it’s very formulaic and uninteresting.

More specifically, I didn’t like the dialogue leading up to the fight. It could very well be that I have seen too many bad fanfilms. But it seems to be that the Sith were there to kill Starkiller from the start, so why have them try to convince him to come back to their side? Also, the dialogue seemed very stiff, especially that of Starkiller. It’s hard to imagine anyone saying something like that. Give his words some personality, instead of having him speak a few empty threats that sound rehearsed.

Now, there are some interesting aspects of the story that I enjoyed. I liked how the entire battle was told from the point of view of an outsider, which I haven’t seen too often with lightsaber duels. It made for an interesting perspective. Also, the fight itself was well-done. It was sufficiently detailed, but still fast-paced and not too dragged out with descriptions of what was going on. This gets respect from me, because I absolutely cannot write action sequences.

I have to disagree with Vicomte on the Gary Stu thing, on the basis that we’ve only seen him in one chapter so far. We don’t know anything about him yet. That being said, there are a few Mary Sue-alarm bells going off as I read this story. Starkiller is far too powerful. Taking out seven Sith knights? It’s physically impossible to fend off seven guys with lightsabers. I doubt even Luke or Anakin could do it, and the rules of the universe dictate that you can’t make your original character more powerful than the chosen one. Now, without getting into a debate about exactly how many Sith Anakin could kill anyway, I’m suggesting that Starkiller’s abilities be toned down. Also, Starkiller’s having the same name as your username screams self-insertion, another Mary Sue indicator. I don’t think we can call Starkiller a Mary Sue just yet, but my suggestion is to flaw him up, dial down his l33t skillz, and flesh him out as a real person. Watch that he doesn’t become flawless, or turn into the cliché super-powerful badass force user.

These are just my observations from reading the first installment. I should be able to give more helpful comments once I have read more of the story, but hopefully these suggestions are things to keep in mind when writing the rest of the story.

I don’t feel like commenting on mechanical errors at the moment, because none jumped out at me immediately. I’ll leave it to someone else to look for them.

Unknown said...

Hmm...

Some people get mad when met with harsh criticism, but I take it as a challenge. Vicomte and Marvolo made some valid and interesting points.

First Vicomte, I understand your need for a deeper plot. This part was mostly action. The second installment is where we find the reasons behind much of what happened here.

Nom's mission was to tail Vicomte, to track his movements until the Sith arrived.

I realize that the duck reference was poorly handled, and I apologize for it. Truth is, I stuck it in at the last moment just to get it out of the way. This city is in the distant future of our familiar universe, and the city of Mos Eisley is a little better off than we are familiar with. I think it wouldn't be too hard to imagine that a well-off cantina would keep a few delicacies around for more wealthy patrons.

Sorry about the capitalization and other errors. I'll try to fix them where I find them. As for the passive voice, I'm afraid only practice can fix that. I've always had a problem with using the passive voice, I guess mainly because I'm such a passive guy. ;)

Starkiller isn't exactly named after me, I am actually named after him. I came up with the character shortly before I found the SW site. As for your concern about his cool toys, what's wrong with having cool toys? Remember that a purple lightsaber was unheard of before Mace Windu. Don't worry, Starkiller is far from flawless. He has some serious issues about his past, and with his present. Marv, keep in mind that he only fought six Sith knights in close combat...one was killed before the fight even started. Also keep in mind that most of the fight was hidden from view, so there are a lot of variables that might have evened the odds.

Starkiller isn't flawless, but he is powerful. He has some personal weaknesses that get in his way from time to time, as well as an Emperor that exceeds even his power. I might write a fanfic from Starkiller's POV after the second installment of this one.

Sorry about the dialogue. That's one of the many parts of my writing that I'm working on.

"and the rules of the universe dictate that you can’t make your original character more powerful than the chosen one."

I have a slight disagreement with this one. Anakin was chosen for a singular purpose which he fulfilled. Nobody in the Star Wars universe ever said he would be the most powerful Jedi/Sith ever. I believe his son actually attained more power than him, and in the Legacy series the newest Skywalker even brings someone back from the grave...

God Bless,

Keep the comments...and the criticism coming...

Bravo 225 said...

I don't see much to criticize... Especially since you did this on such short notice, jeez! It takes me days to finally be content with a page of my material...

I do have one thing to suggest, however:

(excerpt from fanfic)
The target was seated in one of the dark corners of the cantina, dining on what seemed to be some type of roasted waterfowl, possibly a duck. Considering the desert planet he was on, >such< a dish was rare, and expensive. >Such< thoughts brought Nom's mind to the many unanswered questions he had about his new target.

In this piece of writing, you use "such" twice in a row, making it sound a little repetitive. It happens a few more times in other locations with different words.

Otherwise than that, I think you did great! :D