Alrighty, we've got a "guest entry" here, so read on. This fanfic comes from mara jade232323, a name you may recognize from the official site blogs.
“Luke… what did you do ??”
“Well I, uhh… Don’t exactly know.” Replied Luke Skywalker from the pilots chair.
“Sithspit!” cursed Mara Jade who sat next to Luke in the copilots chair.
Mara and Luke were thrown against their crash harnesses. The stars seemed to roll outside the view port.
“I told you we should have taken my ship!” said Mara through clenched teeth.
They had been close enough to a planet when the malfunction happened that they were stuck in its gravity field. The ship plummeted to the ground. There was absolutely nothing they could do to slow the ship down.
The wreck actually wasn’t that bad there was minimal damage to the outside of the ship. But Mara suffered from a throbbing headache. She blocked the pain using the force, so she could actually stand and walk around without keeling over screaming in pain. Luke made it out without injury.
“You know Han is going to absolutely murder us!” Mara said slightly worried.
“Murder us, that would be a kind fate compared to what he is probably actually going to do to us.”
Mara nodded in agreement.
This place where they had crashed was as ancient as things came, or so it seemed to them. There were crumbling rock buildings with vines covering them. There also seemed to be a pile of scrap metal, they wondered to themselves where that had come from.
It was actually quite a beautiful world. You could hear the relaxing sounds of a waterfall running into a lake.( That they had managed not to land in, luckily). Everything here was lush and green with life.
“Amazing, everything is so… so…,” Luke tried to find the right words.
“Peaceful.” Mara put in.
“Yes, that’s it, peaceful.” said Luke already completely relaxed.
They walked slowly to the lake and just stood enjoying its beauty.
They were both so wrapped up in their own thoughts they didn’t notice “It” come up behind them. When “It” made a noise announcing “It” was behind them, Luke and Mara nearly jumped out of their skins in surprise. They spun around to face “It”, grabbing their light sabers and clicking them into the on position as they spun.
When Mara saw “It” she turned off her light saber in frustration.
Luke still held his light saber in front of him defensively.
“Oh for goodness sakes Luke it’s just a duck!” Mara said exasperatedly.
“What in the outer rim is a duke?” Asked Luke as he turned off his light saber, trusting his wife’s judgment.
“First of all it’s D-U-C-K not duke. Second, a duck is an extremely primitive life form, that can fly and likes water.” Mara said blandly.
She spoke again, “But it looks like this one’s wing is broken.”
The duck “Quacked” once, before it flew away.
“That really doesn’t look like a broken wing to me.” said Luke.
“Let’s follow it.” said Mara as she started to run after it.
Luke had a very bad feeling about this.
Following the duck the found a building that housed an old group of Imperials. Mara explained that the Emperor had many troops from the Empire in out of the way places, as reserves.
There was a small hole in the bottom of the buildings wall. They laid on their stomachs to see into the hole.
“Just look at the tech they have here.” said Luke.
“It is so out of date! But it is certainly Imperial.” said Mara.
“Wonder if they still keep troops here.” Luke questioned.
The duck came back quite suddenly and blocked their view.
“Mar… Mara, I think I’m allergic to this duck.” whispered Luke.
“Don’t you dare…” Mara tried to whisper back.
“Achoooooo!!” Luke sneezed so loud that leaves were blown off the plants surrounding them.
“Well I guess we’ll find out if they really do keep troops here or not.” Said Mara aloud.
You could hear the sound of feet thundering down the halls.
“Sithspit,” they both growled at the same time as they pushed to their feet.
“They should really put some money into soundproofing here.” said Luke as he started to run the way they had come.
Mara scooped up a very confused duck, just as blaster fire started to pour through the hole in the wall. She took off after Luke.
They ran full speed all the way back to their ship. They were being followed and shot at by the Imperials the entire way. They decided to try to power up the ship again. As a miracle of all miracles the ship roared to life. They took off as fast as they could. It appeared as if the Imperials had no air support since they weren’t being followed or shot at anymore.
“Hey, Luke why don’t you hit the bunk for a few hours. I can handle the ship for a while.”
“Thanks Mara. Wake me up if anything interesting happens.” Luke said as he walked out of the cockpit and down the short corridor to where the bunks were
Mara could hear a rustling of blankets followed by a “Quack, Quack.”
“MARA!!!!!” Luke yelled.
Mara grimaced as the duck flew into the cockpit and settled itself onto the copilots chair.
THE END
Saturday, July 15, 2006
mara jade232323's fanfiction
Posted by Marvolo at Saturday, July 15, 2006
10 comments:
Well I can't really say I was aiming for a particular era when I was writing this, I think it turned out to be more twords the new jedi order though.
After the battle of Endor, the Imperials were no longer in power,
but some of the units Palpatine had out didn't get the notice that the Empire was down and out, especially in the way outer reaches of the known galaxy, or so I have read in a few EU books.
where are they? Or they don't know?
I was aiming for earth after the people that lived there were gone, ( somewhere in the outter rim ) that nobody would have really known about, so basically uncharted terratory and planets.
Overall, cute. The duck thing made me think naboo, but then the ruins threw me off. Dialogue was good, fits both characters. Which ship were they using? Sounded like the Falcon, but I was not sure. Also the time period was a bit confusing.
That was quite funny! I liked how you made the whole story evolve around the duck. We should make new contests that require writers to make a short scene with some required elements, I think.
Anyway, on to the critique.
Your spelling was good, but punctuation (comma's, quotation marks) didn't always good.
In these lines: They were both so wrapped up in their own thoughts they didn’t notice “It” come up behind them. When “It” made a noise announcing “It” was behind them, Luke and Mara nearly jumped out of their skins in surprise. They spun around to face “It”, grabbing their light sabers and clicking them into the on position as they spun.
..the use of "It" was too much. I would say once, or perhaps twice, but no more. Describing would be better, I think. Something along the lines of: A creature approached. It was not detected by either Luke or Mara, and startled them by loudly making its characteristic sound.
Also, I found the events described too briefly and superficial. You could expand a lot on things like details in scenery or how the main characters feel about certain things or events.
Lastly, I was disappointed when they could suddenly leave on the ship that only shortly before crashed through the atmosphere and onto the planet. A bit too easy.
Please don't be offended by my remarks; I really enjoyed reading your story and I believe can write well. I'm just trying to help you to write even better. :)
didn't always good.
Sorry... I meant wasn't always good.
1. The crash needs to be developed better. It seemed as if Luke didn't know how to operate the ship, and that doesn't really fit with his character. The ship was out of control, and Luke couldn't slow it down, then suddenly they were on the ground. A ship plummeting from space would probably hit pretty hard, or did Luke manage to somehow land the ship? I think you need to explain how Mara and Luke survived a crash like that. It was a major event of the story that you just skipped over.
2. The two main characters are relaxed by the peaceful setting, but they seem a bit jumpy. They both ignite lightsabers at the approach of a duck. That seemed a little strange to me. Also it was odd that someone as well traveled as Luke Skywalker was not aware of what a duck was, and it was even more strange that he would be somewhat apprehensive about encountering one. That made Luke seem like a wimp.
3. How did the ship get fixed? Didn't it crash in the beginning of the story? I was confused as to how they were able to fly the ship at the end, but not at the beginning.
4. Mara's character was done well, but Luke's character really needs some work. The evolution of the story just didn't fit with what we know about Luke. He's much more resourceful in a fight than how you portrayed him. He ignited his lightsaber for the approach of a duck, but then didn't ignite it when he was being fired upon. I would like to see Luke put up a better fight than that.
well, I guess that wasn't too bad, I was very much expecting to be knocked flat on my face by criticisim ( I only got knocked onto my butt )
I've written about 3 notebooks worth of storys and this is the first Ive let anyone but myself see, so naturally there are quite a few problems that I have missed.
Seriously, though, thanks for your help, everyone!! I am working on a few more fan fic projects right now, so I will put the advice to good use.
Good luck, then! I think you'll be a great writer. :)
There were a few spelling and grammatical errors, and I also was confused about how Mara and Luke were able to leave when the ship was damaged.
I don't know anything about Mara's and Luke's relationship (other than they're married), so I can't comment on their dialogue.
Cute use of the duck!
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