Have you ever grappled with a conundrum that has hooked you and won’t let go?
I have, and I’m going to need more than a fancy escape hatch or grappling hook to wriggle out of this one. Let me transport you briefly to a moderately windy chasm in the bowels of the Death Star, where a naïve young farm boy and a tough as nails princess are going to get a lot closer via a grappling hook. As they prepared to swing across and out of harm’s way, he grappled the end of the cord as she hooked her arm around him, and some storm troopers attempted a lackluster limbo under the jammed door behind them.
The quick kiss they share is nothing compared to the saliva extravaganza from ESB, so I will not analyze it, but rather turn my attention to the grappling hook Luke uses.
Why would a storm trooper have a hook on his belt, let alone one of the grappling variety? Are they really so dense that they sometimes forget how to operate the bridges, and then have to use their grappling hooks to get from the detention block to the washroom?
Perhaps they use them in the canteen, hooking the salt at one end of the table and dragging it down into their frantically grappling hands.
Maybe they take them with them when they have shore leave on Naboo; they would certainly come in handy when grappling with a shaak or trying to hook a goober fish for breakfast.
I was discussing this question with my Chinese friend, Ling, over fruit salad the other day, when she suddenly started choking as if she had swallowed a tiny grappling hook.
I quickly ran around and thumped her solar plexus, causing the offending piece of fruit to fly out onto the table, which prompted my exclamation “It’s a grape, Ling, who could have seen that coming?”
“That’s a terribly tenuous attempt to insert the word grappling hook into a sentence,” she replied…
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Word of Star Wars
THE WORD OF STAR WARS: Ion Blasters!
As I slipped my utility belt around my waist, I realized I needed an extra weapon for where I was going; I needed an ion blaster.
I added the holster, and the ion blaster slapped comfortingly against my hip, but when I tried to secure my belt, the buckle came apart.
A quick reach into my emergency pouch and I came up with a zip tie, secured the buckle and my belt, leaving my ion blaster in easy reach.
I strode down the main street of Mos Eisley, my cloak billowing out behind, my lightsaber on one hip and the ion blaster on the other, both weapons in plain sight. I could be intimidating when I needed to, and going into the Blasted Ion Cantina required me to be so.
I was sure my contact would find me at the bar, how many red-haired Jedi sporting ion blasters could there be?
"I assume the Ion Blaster is the house specialty?" I asked the bartender.
He pushed the frothy cold drink across the bar, "One Ion Blaster," he said, "Blended, not pulverized."
I felt a presence behind me, and turned to face my mysterious contact, my right hand instinctively reaching for my lightsaber while my left pulled back my cloak to show my ion blaster.
He inclined his head towards a table in the corner of the Blasted Ion's dark interior, and we sat down across the table from each other.
"I have information for you, Jedi," he said, "But I prefer to be paid in credits instead of having my ions blasted into oblivion."
"You'll get your credits," I said, in my most persuasive voice, "as long as you don't cause me to use this ion blaster."
He snorted, and I caught sight of his right hand edging its way towards his Blastech pistol, and I ignited my lightsaber while pulling the ion blaster from its holster.
"Don't try it," I said, "As a Jedi, I always have my eye on blasters."
"Don't shoot me with that ion blaster," he begged, not realizing he was about to lose a hand to my lightsaber.
"Tell me where to find the gunrunners who are supplying ion blasters to the pirates on the Perleman Trade Route," I said, as I extinguished my lightsaber but kept it in my hand.
"If I tell you, will you put that ion blaster away?" He asked desperately.
"Tell me first, and then I'll think about holstering the ion blaster."
"It's the notorious pirate gang Kaldo who's supplying the ion blasters," he said. "They're holed up on Wayland, in a fortified ion blaster factory."
As I rose from the table, I holstered my ion blaster and tossed him a sack of credits. "Don't try to follow me unless you want the taste of blasted ions on your tongue."
With his information, Republic Intelligence was able to take out the gang of gun runners, and shut down the ion blaster factory on Wayland.
The true hero of this tale of lightsabers and ion blasters is the zip tie. Without it, my utility belt would have gone flying off in the streets of Mos Eisley, not only losing my ion blaster, but embarrassing me as well.
So I've added zip ties to my emergency supplies, along with hairpins, Velcro and extra ions for my blaster. You just never know when you need to keep something together long enough to vaporize it with your ion blaster.
Where's my Hydrospanner; The Word of Star Wars
"Horizontal boosters...! Alluvial damper...! Ow! That's not it. Bring me the hydrospanner!" ―Han Solo
Welcome to a geek’s guide using the hydrospanner for changing the Millennium Falcon’s hydraulic fluid within the vectorable thrust baffles (engine). The steps described hereunder to perform this procedure with a hydrospanner are offered by the Smuggling for Solo Foundation in an effort to prohibit Imperial entanglements:
STEP ONE: Before you do anything with your hydrospanner, pick out a flat spot on the docking bay, making sure it’s clear of any droids. Droids don't understand creative engineering or how to use a hydrospanner. Now, put the hydrospanner in a safe place, and take the Falcon out for a short spin around the galaxy. This will heat the hydraulic fluid in the vectorable thrust baffles and make it nice and thin for the hydrospanner to slip into the joints, so it will drain more completely from the vectorable thrust baffles.
STEP TWO: Return back to the docking bay, turn off the engines of the Falcon, park it, and retrieve the hydrospanner. Line up your tools including the hydrospanner. Now slide under the sub-compartment near the vectorable thrust baffles (with the hydrospanner in hand) of the Falcon and locate the hydraulic drain plug. If there isn't enough room to maneuver in the sub-compartment with the hydrospanner, you may have to jack up the sub-compartment to get beneath it.
STEP THREE: Grab the hydrospanner and position the correct-sized socket driver on it. Place it over the access bolt and turn it counter-clockwise. After you get the access bolt cracked, slowly continue to work it loose with the hydrospanner. Not too loose, though -- you don't want hydraulic fluid all over the hydrospanner or yourself for that fact. Put the hydrospanner down, grab a drain pan and slide it under the hydraulic drain plug for proper drainage of the hydraulic fluid.
STEP FOUR: We recommend using a new
STEP FIVE: Attach a funnel via the hydrospanner into the hydraulic filler hole and pour in as many quarts as the manufacturer recommends (see owner’s manual for hydraulic fluid specifications).
STEP SIX: Return the hydrospanner back to its holding case, make your way to the cockpit of the Falcon and start the vectorable thrust baffles, letting them idle for about five minutes, looking for leaks. Remember, using a hydrospanner to change the hydraulic fluid on a regular basis is the single most important thing you can do to extend the life of the vectorable thrust baffles.
Just think you too could join the Han Solo cause and be a proud owner of the FastTurn-3 hydrospanner. We are offering this new state-of-the-art limited edition hydrospanner to geeks like you for just 99 Republic credits. The FastTurn-3 limited edition hydrospanner comes with a
*Offer valid while supplies last.
Hydrospanners for Dummies
Everything you wanted to know about Hydrospanners and more
Han Solo’s Guide to the Hydrospanner
The Expanded Universe of the Hydrospanner
Fix Everything with a Hydrospanner
Got Hydrospanner?
Feeling Hoth Hoth Hoth: The word of Star Wars
You may, or you may not, have heard about this new blog challenge, which promises to be a hot(h)shot performance yet again. That's right: it's the word of Star Wars, and the word is Hoth.
Well, in my case, the word is Hoth; in other cases, they can be such simple or unimaginable words like clones or rebreather or datapad. I am the lucky guy, getting "Hoth" instead of other, more complicated words.
The point of this blog about Hoth, is to make a blog in which a given word (i.e. "Hoth") is used, in any way, in every sentence of said blog. You may have noticed I have used the word "Hoth" in every sentence up till now. And I'm going to put Hoth in every sentence still to come. If Hoth is not your thing, you'd better stop reading now -- seriously.
What, you may or may not ask, is Hoth again? Within the Star Wars universe ("In a galaxy far, far away...") Hoth is the sixth planet of the distant Hoth system. It's the planet where the aptly named Battle of Hoth raged, when the fearsome AT-AT walkers attacked the Rebels' Echo Base (pictured). The Battle of Hoth was portrayed to near-perfection in the now classic film The Empire Strikes Back. Of course, Luke Skywalker saved the day (along with some major and minor characters) and the Rebels, having found their base under attack by the very Empire they were plotting to undermine, evacuated from Hoth to find solace elsewhere.
Hoth, despite the sound of its name, is a cold and forever snow-covered planet, which seems mostly lifeless. Looks are deceptive, though, since Hoth was also the place where Luke was attacked by a huge wampa creature. This great predator, which kind of looks like an angry white Bigfoot, fed on large animals like tauntauns, and basically everything else they encountered on the icy planes of Hoth. Despite its ferociousness -- and exactly because of it -- powerful and rich criminals paid large sums to take one of the legendary wampas from Hoth to illegal arenas of bloodshed and personal vendettas, and so spreading the reputation of one of the most aggressive creatures in the galaxy.
Anything else on Hoth? Not much -- and I'm not sure if Hoth, or variations of it, is interesting enough to fill a blog longer than this. Therefore I will say adieu and end this pitiful little attempt at blogging about a pretty dull place like Hoth.
Some like it hoth -- but I prefer Naboo in summertime.