EPISODE VII - BLUE BANTHA BEER

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... STAR WARS, Episode VII, BLUE BANTHA BEER by Tyler Cannon, Age 9 & 3/4...

Luke Skywalker and his sister, Leia Organa, have returned to Coruscant to rebuild the Jedi Temple. They had spent the last three years learning Jedi skills and fighting Space Hillbillies.

Leia had married Han Solo right after the fall of the Empire. A strange influence in the Force, possibly caused by the proximity of the Space Hillbillies had caused the princess to have to five babies in three years. She was tired. Han was grumpy. Luke realized the hillbillies were a bad influence, so he banished them all to the Andromeda Galaxy.

In a desperate attempt to get away from changing diapers, Leia left her five children with Han and Luke, and set off on a journey across the galaxy to find more Jedi, especially those who are already potty trained.

Little did she know, that on a nearby planet, R2-D2 and C-3PO, their faithful droid companions, were being held hostage by the Space Hillbillies. They had made their way back from Andromeda by hitchhiking on the backs of rusty old spice freighters.

The princess had received an urgent message from C-3PO to report to the planet Lekatchu immediately. As she landed on the planet, her ship was surrounded by Space Hillbillies carrying double-barreled blasters, and drinking from twin moonshine jugs.

The head Hillbilly spoke first. "Bring my cuzzins back from Andromeda, iffin you ever wanta see your Pitiful Little Band of droids again!"

"Princess Leia!" Threepio cried from the edge of the forest where he was chained to a monstrous looking kettle. "Oh save me! And Artoo's here, too."

She could see that Artoo was plugged into the computer socket of the kettle, his data arm whirring back and forth as he adjusted the cooking temperature.

Leia was shocked to see that the droids were concocting some sort of intoxicating substance, or possibly a bio-weapon.

"Listen here," she said to the head Hillbilly, "Those droids are highly specialized, sophisticated machines. They are not programmed for making blue Bantha beer."

She unclipped her lightsaber and ignited the sinister looking pink blade. She waved it the boss hillbilly's face. He was not impressed, since he'd never seen a lightsaber before, so Leia demonstrated by cutting his suspenders and his pants fell to the ground, revealing his polka-dotted boxer shorts.

Embarrassed, he ran towards a levitating porta-potty and hid inside. Leia quickly ran to Threepio's side, and cut his chains with her saber. Gently she pulled Artoo loose from the computer socket, and he beeped at her in happiness.

A rickety metal shed stood behind the levitating porta-potty, and a middle-aged green woman was hanging her wash out on the line.

Leia stopped and stared in shock. "Diapers?" She screamed. "Nooooooooooo....." She ran screaming to her ship, the droids desperately trying to keep up. They barely reached the ramp before she activated the lift in her haste to take off.

Leia didn't stop shaking until she'd made the jump into hyperspace, heading back towards Coruscant. She spent her travel time reprogramming C-3PO to change diapers.

Her life from then on was exciting, as she traveled the galaxy with her brother Luke, kicking alien butt and taking names, from the Core to the Outer Rim. She became a legend among the Jedi, and her statue still stands today in front of the Temple, a lightsaber in one hand and a diaper pin in the other.

The End by Tyler Cannon