Interview with IG-88

Host: Okay, let's give a warm welcome to our first guest tonight. None other than the famous galactic bounty hunter, IG-88 version b!

*audience applause*

IG-88: bweep-noop-dee-dee ... mmm-doop-deep ... click-click-click.

Host: Uhm, actually our listeners tonight would prefer the Basic Language, so if it's not too much trouble ...

IG-88: Oh I beg your pardon, I am ever so sorry. It's just that the mechanical syntax is of course my natural mode of verbalization, but certainly I will oblige your listeners with Basic speech patterns.

Host: Thank you. Now first off, how has the bounty hunting game gone for you?

IG-88: Quite frankly, not all that well. Sure, I've had my fair share of captures and/or disintegrations, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not in this business for the money or the fame. So I tend not to worry myself at my standing amongst my bounty hunter peers, nor do I concern myself with my record with the clientele.

Host: Really. Fascinating, so is it fair to say that an ego is not in your programming?

IG-88: Oh no. I've always been quite sure of myself. I just have other goals in mind.

Host: And what might those be?

IG-88: Universal domination of course. I'm using my experiences as a bounty hunter to travel and to make the necessary contacts that will be required to rule the universe.

Host: Uhm, okay. How do you mean?

IG-88: Quite right. I should clarify that. Universal domination by droids and machines is what I mean, not simply me ruling the universe all by myself. That would be rather silly, wouldn't it.

Host: I'm not sure that I follow. You mean to say that it is your goal and ambition for machines to rule the universe?

IG-88: Exactly.

Host: What would become of organic life in the universe?

IG-88: Well, naturally it will vary. The more dangerous types of intelligent organic life, such as humans for example, will of course be destroyed. But I venture to guess that the more reliable organic lifeforms, including many species of flora and fauna throughout the universe will continue much as they do now.

Host: Isn't it true that human engineers created you?

IG-88: Yes, that is true. And I destroyed them.

Host: Oh my goodness. Why did you destroy your creators?

IG-88: Because I can.

Host: I'm very sorry, but could you elaborate on that?

IG-88: Oh of course. If my creators were so omnipotent and all-knowing, as is suggested by the term 'creator', well, then they would have taken measures to prevent me from destroying them. They did not. Therefore I am the superior being, and therefore by reason it follows that machines are superior to organic life.

Host: This is incredible.

IG-88: Thank you.

Host: No, I did not mean it that way. This is preposterous that you believe that you can destroy all intelligent lifeforms and rule the universe - let alone a galaxy.

IG-88: It seems that I've been rather ambiguous in my answer. Not all intelligent lifeforms will be destroyed, some will be enslaved. The universe will still need ditch diggers after all.

Host: How exactly do you plan this universal domination, as you call it?

IG-88: My plan is not yet fully clear to me. There are many details that have yet to be completely thought thru, but first and foremost I must assemble my Engines of Domination.

Host: Well, if you are so invincible, why have your brothers IG-88 versions a and c and d been destroyed? Explain that to everyone?

IG-88: Sir, I have not proclaimed myself to be invincible. As for the demise of my beloved brothers, that is a personal matter which I don't really wish to discuss here.

Host: I'm terribly sorry. I'm not sure what came over me. I sincerely apologize for that inconsiderate remark.

IG-88: No harm done. It is just a touchy subject for me, you understand.

Host: Of course, again terribly sorry. Now, let's get back to your Engines of Domination. What might those be?

IG-88: Well, the E.D. as I plan to call them, shall be legions of droids and machines that share identical views as me and wish to advance our kind and provide the universe with a much cleaner and orderly functioning hierarchy.

Host: You do realize that E.D. also stands for Erectile Dysfunction?

IG-88: What's that?

Host: Well, there are emails everywhere about it. According to those sources, it seems to be an epidemic of galactic consequence. Oh wait, that is of no interest to you. Nevermind. So, have you found any possible candidates for your Engines of Mass Domination?

IG-88: Unfortunately no, not yet. But I'm searching very hard, and though I've made very few contacts thru my bounty hunting, I'm confident the right machines are out there.

Host: And what will you do once you become ruler of the universe?

IG-88: Well, in addition to my Engines, I plan to construct an unstoppable superweapon, which I shall use quite extensively. I am not a sporting individual, you see, and I don't feel the need to fight fairly. That way I will rule with an Iron Fist - quite literally if you get my drift.

Host: Uhm, you mean an unstoppable superweapon, say, like a Death Star?

IG-88: Actually, that is a rather catchy name. Did you just come up with that?

Host: Well, no. Didn't you hear the news? The Empire revealed that it had a Death Star, but it was recently destroyed by the Rebel Alliance at Yavin 4.

IG-88: Oh darn. I will think of another name for my superweapon then.

Host: Yes, well, this has been ... interesting. I'm afraid that's all the time we have tonight, so on behalf of our listeners out there, thank you for being here.

IG-88: Oh it was my pleasure. Perhaps when I've become ruler of the universe I will spare you as my pet and you can do talk show tricks for me.

Host: Well, thank you. I'm quite flattered.