Thursday, December 10, 2009

And history was made...

[So who was worse off at the end of all this, Jar Jar or Qui-Gon? LOL
In the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."]

Jar Jar got knocked over by a Jedi
Running from the droids beneath some trees
You can say there's no such thing as bad luck
But as for me and Qui-Gon, we believe.

He’d been banished from the city
Captain Tarpals told me so
‘Cause he smashed the Boss’s gasser
And the Boss got mad and told him just to go.

When the Jedi Master found him
As the Separatists attacked
Qui-Gon saved him from the droid tanks
By knocking Jar Jar flat onto his back.

Jar Jar got knocked over by a Jedi
Running from the droids beneath some trees
You can say there's no such thing as bad luck
But as for me and Qui-Gon, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Qui-Gon.
He's been taking this so well.
Sitting in there giving orders
And finding hyperdrives that they don’t sell.

It's not Star Wars without Jar Jar
All the fans are keeping track
But we just can't help but wonder:
Should we all go after George or give him slack?
(Give him slack!)

Jar Jar got knocked over by a Jedi
Running from the droids beneath some trees
You can say there's no such thing as bad luck
But as for me and Qui-Gon, we believe.

Now the Jedi are extinguished
And the Sith have reappeared
And some smoke comes from the Temple
That looks just like the color of Jar Jar’s ears.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
“Star Wars fans should be aware!”
You should never make a movie
With giant frogs and warlike teddy bears.

Jar Jar got knocked over by a Jedi
Running from the droids beneath some trees
You can say there's no such thing as bad luck
But as for me and Qui-Gon, we believe.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Dear Santa:

Last year I asked for a Jedi
To give me the best BFD
But when I woke up Life Day morning
There wasn’t one under the tree.

I realize there might’ve been conflicts
With intergalactic transport
So this year I’m making it easy for you
I’m terribly pleased to report.

I’m asking for something quite different
To ensure my BFD bliss
Yes, you’ll have to go backwards in time
But I’m sure you’ve done harder than this.

Santa, please bring me a pirate
With a black-masted ship to sail forth
And tri-corn cap and a rusted sword
And a compass that doesn’t point north.

With dark hair that falls to his shoulders
A tiny spyglass and a beard
And a tendency to run with his arms flung out
Scream, drink rum, and act weird.

You don’t have to bother to wrap him
Don’t bother with ribbons or bows
I’m not picky, I won’t ask,
As far as my pirate goes.

Santa, I’m really counting on you
More than you ever will know
Please make my BFD this year
And drink up me hearties, yo ho!

Sunday, December 06, 2009

I Saw Mina Kissing Lukey-boy!

[In the tune of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, this one's a tribute of a different kind. And the tributee (is that even a word? well, the person receiving the tribute...LOL) will have to forgive me, because this isn't an entirely original concept. But I've been told that I'm allowed to plagarize myself...LOL]

I saw Mina kissing Lukey-boy,
Underneath the misstle toe last night.
They didn't see me creep
With my stealth cam to have a peek
They both thought that I didn't know
What they do while I'm asleep.

Then I saw Mina tickle Lukey-boy,
Let me tell you, it was quite a sight
What a laugh it would've been
If Mara had only seen
Mina kising Lukey-boy that night!

A tribute to the best way to squander 20 bucks a month!

[In the tune of Jingle Bells, which is one of the hardest Christmas songs to parody, but the most awesome, if it turns out right...Which I'm surprised it did, considering where it was written!]

Smashing through the snow,
On an icy winter day.
Over the fields we go,
Fighting all the way!

Blaster rifles sing,
Setting trees alight.
What fun it is to kill and die,
With Galaxies all night!

Oh, Galaxies, Galaxies, I’m so glad you’re mine!
You’re my favorite Star Wars game,
Because you waste my time!

Galaxies, Galaxies, hope you never die!
But whenever TOR comes out,
I’ll have to say good-bye!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Troublemakers: Part 1 - Tansarii Point Station - Chapter 3: The Fading Darkness

When the darkness dissipated, and the wounded haze cleared from her misted vision, the first thing Renora noticed was that she was still alive. The next thing she noticed was that being alive hurt. She groaned softly, clawing the grass with a pain-clenched hand.

“Did you make it?” Giddy’s voice crackled through the comlink.

“No,” grunted Renora, struggling to roll over onto her back.

“I always knew you’d be one of those Force ghosts who never shut up.”

“You shouldn’t talk about yourself that way,” Renora muttered, trying to pull herself into a sitting position but falling back against the densely packed earth.

“My hearing still works just fine.”

Propping herself up with her good arm, Renora shook her head to clear it, face reddening with the small exertion. Her deep, inquisitive brown eyes suddenly widened almost comically, the redness in her face fading with the surge of a white pallor.

“What…What the…How did…” she stuttered, sitting upright.

“Didn’t I tell you not to complain about something unless you can do better?” Gidrea asked wryly.

“Yeah,” Renora strained through gritted teeth, easing herself up until she was standing on two wobbly legs.

“Then you shouldn’t complain about people who can’t communicate properly.”

“You think I’m a poor communicator? I thought you knew me better than that.” The Tanc Mites still lurked in their epic ugliness everywhere she looked, but with one subtle difference compared to her last memory of them. While Renora was very much alive and in very much pain, the Tanc mites’ condition was directly reversed.

They felt much less pain than she did, because each and every one of those insectile monstrosities was dead.

“Better than you know yourself, perhaps,” said Master Lightsky. Her voice was very soft.

Renora looked around her, turning in slow circles to take in everything from as many vantage points as she could. Stretching her awareness through the Force, Renora touched each life form as gently as possible, nudging the oversized insects with a tender trace of Force energy. She moved past their primitive, predatory impulses and into the portion of their brains that regulated life, consciousness. She checked for the delicate but powerful synapses that fired continuously to create life. They were silent. She cast her awareness into the small, simple hearts that pumped alien blood through the insects’ veins. They were silent.

The Tanc mites were dead. Gone. Renora gasped.

“Padawan,” said Gidrea, her voice an odd mixture of compassion and authority that Renora had heard from her Master only a few times before. “Padawan.”

“I’m still here, Master,” bit Renora, her response sharper than she had intended.

“Come to the hangar bay.”

“Yes, Master.”

=========================


“I thought you told me that bravery was for people who prefer dying heroically over living heroically,” said Renora, looking at the small ship behind her Master’s robed figure.

“Yes, I did,” said Gidrea, pulling her hood forward. “But knowing you, I’m going to regret that in a moment.”

Renora gave her Master her patented “Who, me?” look, and folded her arms over her chest. “You came in that?” she asked, pointing at the broken-down, rust-streaked craft.

“No, I walked,” Giddy answered.

“No wonder it took you so long to get here,” said Renora, stifling a grin. “But if you came in that thing, you’re braver than I thought.”

“If I’ve ever done anything in my life to convince you that I’m brave, then I’m a worse example for you than I thought.”

Renora laughed, but her Master could tell that it was forced. Her apprentice was badly injured, and it wasn’t just her wrenched shoulder, cracked skull, and numerous cuts and abrasions that ran across her arms and legs--she was afraid. More afraid than Giddy had ever seen her.

“Let’s get you inside the ship,” she said. Renora nodded gratefully and followed Gidrea up the boarding ramp.

=========================


A ration pack and a short dip in a bacta tank later, Renora lounged in one of the surprisingly comfortable seats in the back of the small med bay. A new, refreshingly clean robe was draped over the back of her chair, and she was reading from a handheld data pad. Although her head still pounded slightly, the situation seemed to have improved. But she was still shaken. Renora shuddered as Giddy entered the room and took a seat across from her apprentice.

“I heard that during the Clone Wars, Master Kenobi went through fourteen robes in three years,” said Renora.

“I had nothing to do with it,” Gidrea laughed.

“Oh, sure,” Renora grinned evilly.

“Is that you’re way of thanking me for the new robe?”

“Possibly.”

“Whoever taught you manners should be impaled on the end of a lightsaber.”

“Do you want to do it, or should I?” They both laughed.

“I always thought that if the Jedi just got rid of those robes, it would make things a lot easier.”

“The robe is part of the look,” said Renora. “Part of what makes a Jedi who she is. It’s all about humility, something I know all about.” She tried to smile but failed. Gidrea didn’t need the Force to tell her that her apprentice was deeply troubled. She tapped her booted heal against the floor in the uncomfortable silence that followed.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I can’t read minds,” Giddy said finally.

Renora stared at the scuffed floor below her boots. “Then how’d you know I was disappointed?”

Gidrea was silent, waiting.

Heaving a deep sigh, Renora raised her head slowly, as if all the burdens she was forced to bear since Gidrea found her as a young child, always in hiding but never in fear, had finally caught up to her. She seemed older, and infinitely more tired, than someone of her years.

“I think I touched the dark side today, Master.”

Gidrea nodded.

“I guess I was…too set on the goal. I forget to concentrate on the means. I looked around…and they were all dead.” She laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “All the bugs.”

“I sent you on this mission because you needed to learn that taking a life -- even as small and ugly a life as a Tanc mite’s -- disrupts the balance of the Force. Do not become so preoccupied with what you’ve set out to do that you forget what it means to be a Jedi.”

“I’m guessing it’s not the robe,” said Renora, a ghost of her familiar, easy smile playing across her face. “But the Sith wear robes, too, Master.”

Renora leapt backwards, almost toppling over the wide-backed chair, as Gidrea thrust her blue blade in front of her apprentice’s face.

“What was that for?” asked Renora, right hand clutching her lightsaber. “It’s amazing I’ve kept my sense of good humor after being around you for so long.” She straightened her tunic indignantly. “And I haven’t lost any arms.”

“If I were a Sith,” said Gidrea, “I would try to kill you right now. Even though I’m tempted to do that anyway, I won’t, since some of what Yoda taught me did manage to sink in a little bit, unfortunately. But a Sith would focus only on the goal, and see that scaring you half to death is the quickest way to get you to understand what I’m trying to tell you. I focus on the method, and see that the quickest way isn’t always the best way.” She shut down her lightsaber and clipped it to her belt.

“So does that mean I get to live?” asked Renora, easing herself back into the chair.

“This time.”

“You know, I think I like you better when we’re separated by half a dozen light-years of vacuum.”

“I’ll remember that next time you’re in a room full of carnivorous bugs.”

Renora nodded. “Where are we off to now?”

“To visit an old friend.”

“Didn’t you say that last time?”

“Am I going to regret it?”

“I’m just not so sure I can survive any more visits from old friends.”

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Dark business

Ganumedis felt as if he ran into a wall – if that wall would be moving at high speed towards him and, worse, would be invisible. As he struggled to get some air into his lungs and get up from the stain-ridden pavement, a figure emerged from the shadows and loomed over him.

A shock went through him, followed by a desperate fear, as Ganumedis recognized the man.

Count Dooku.

“So that’s what the infamous Ganumedis Moonshade looks like when he’s slammed to the floor by the Force,” Dooku spoke, his dark timbre filling the narrow, deserted street. “Do you realize who you’ve just killed?”

Ganumedis had trouble formulating his reply. “What – I never – killed?!”

“I know you’re supposed to pretend you have no idea what I’m talking about, that you don’t know anyone had been killed, and that you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Dooku said impatiently, “but really. Did you think you could deceive me?”

Managing to stand up, ready to make a run for it if an opportunity presented itself, Ganumedis slowly recovered his wits. “Certainly I did not wish to deceive the esteemed lord Dooku. I had no idea my target would be of any importance to such a great man as yourself.”

“She was not,” Dooku said offhandedly, “but our scheduled meeting was supposed to get me close to that annoying Skywalker kid.”

“I humbly apologize, my lord,” Ganumedis said with a bow. He hated the next part. “If there is some way I can recompensate you for this...”

Dooku frowned and narrowed his eyes. “What do you suggest?”

“Well... A man of my profession may be able to attend to certain matters that the leader of the Seperatists is too busy to deal with. Cleaning up the trash, so to speak.” He looked up expectantly. Ganumedis had tried to avoid getting caught up with politics, but this might just work out better than he had expected. Perhaps he could become the Dark Lord’s personal assassin.

Count Dooku paused for a moment, and said, “I accept your offer. This is what I want you to do...”

***

Killing Jedi is not hard, Ganumedis thought while searching for his target. It’s just a matter of disrupting their tranquility by randomly killing their companions. And of course, staying very, very far away from their cursed lightsabers.

Using the enhanced telescopic sight on his sniper rifle, the assassin quickly found his target. General Skywalker and his Togruta apprentice appeared to be discussing their assault strategies with the commanders of their clone troops.

Ganumedis was impressed by the qualities of his newly acquired rifle. Count Dooku must have realized his skills and had gladly donated the sophisticated weapon to the assassin, after an easy job to assess his abilities and trustworthiness. It was the weapon Ganumedis Moonshade had been working for these last years – and now it was his as a gift.

No more struggling for credits, he thought joyfully. This job is so much better than being a hitman for lowly thugs. This will be the day that my career finally takes off. I just might become more infamous than creepy Aurra Sing.

Don’t get ahead of yourself, thought Ganumedis. First I have to complete my current assignment. To kill Commander Skywalker – the Hero With No Fear.

Remembering his own advice, he pointed the crosshair of his sniper telescope at the clone commander that stood next to Skywalker and Tano. Like some of the other troopers, the commander had his helm under his arm and appeared to be joking with the two Jedi.

The crosshair closed over the forehead of the clone soldier. Ganumedis’ finger trembled only slightly as he held it against the trigger.
In his head, he replayed his plan; first the clone, then the apprentice, and when the emotions explode within him, the assassin would kill Skywalker.

Steadying his breathing and his trembling finger, Ganumedis relaxed and enjoyed the quiet moments before the slaughter.

Now, he thought.

A boot kicked Ganumedis’ face hard before he could pull the trigger. The assassin fell sidewards, reeling with the impact, and the telescope buried itself in his eye. Pain shot through him and he screamed.

“That was not necessary, soldier,” a stern male voice said with a hint of amusement. Opening his eyes – one of them seeing only flashes of white – Ganumedis instantly recognized the man as General Kenobi. He was surrounded by a squad of clone troopers, weapons pointed at the terrified would-be killer.

“Sorry, General,” said the clone soldier next to the overwhelmed Ganumedis. “I figured that blasting the cursed bastard through the head would have been worse.”

“True,” replied the famous Jedi.

“I’m so glad you’ve stopped me,” Ganumedis lied, trembling. “Count Dooku forced me to try and kill General Skywalker. I swear I tried to resist, but what can a man of my limited skills do when confronted by a Jedi? Particularly when he threatened to kill my family...” He didn’t know if it would work, but he was willing to go far to save his own skin.

And besides, the Republic would at least keep him alive. He wasn’t so sure about Dooku.

“What family?” another voice came from the other side. “You mean the poor parents you killed barehandedly?” Ganumedis was surprised to see General Skywalker himself walk into the circle of soldiers. How could he have gotten here this quickly?

A coldness filled his heart. Dooku set me up, he realized. But why –

All other thoughts left him, for the explosives hidden in the advanced sniper rifle that Dooku had given him, detonated at that instant. Ganumedis Moonshade, the assassin with more skill in reputation than in actual killing, was disintegrated on the spot.

Some distance away, Asajj Ventress grimaced. She let the remote control fall to the floor. It was hard to see through the smoke, but it appeared the explosion had killed only the annoying killer and one or two clones. Skywalker and Kenobi appeared unharmed.

Next time, she promised.

With a sigh, the bald Dark Jedi fired up the engines of her starfighter and flew away.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

The Event

Every hundred years or so, an event occurs.

I used to think of an “event” as something you scrawl in the little blank spots on your calendar, so the accusatory stare of those maddeningly perfect squares would be blinded by personal demand. I used to think of an “event” as something you dash out with illegible candor in the obnoxious white corners of a sheet of paper, only to forget, an hour later, what was so important that you had to violate such purity. An event was something you talked yourself into, tried to talk yourself out of, suffered through, and pretended to enjoy. It was familiar, it was amusing, and it was normal.

But that’s not an event. That’s an occasion. Our species just loves to punctuate our existence with concave imprints of satisfaction that we call “occasions.” It makes us feel worthy of engraving our footprints into the stones of time, and gives us the illusion that our 0.213019231 seconds on this planet have actually meant something.

Then an event happens, and we all wake up. Or we all fall into the dreamless, underwater sleep of someone gone mad. Everything slows, including our memories and the memories of them, and time itself seems to morph into something otherworldly and irrelevant. Nothing is as it was before, but everything is the same. Only we’ve changed.

The funny thing about an event is, when it’s all finally over, memory and motivation blur and kick into a kind of frenzied chaos, perhaps trying to make up for lost time. Everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing on the day of the event, and it becomes the source of some sort of odd pride to have watched the proceedings unfold in real time – as they were occurring, as the suffering was dealt.

After that’s over, the event mutates from a rallying cry and a pity party favor to a taboo of simply unimaginable proportions, where it seems as if it’s forbidden even to think about the occurrence, for fear of appearing unsympathetic, or even worse, unpatriotic. With the geyser of emotional response that clustered at first sight of the event crushed beneath a layer of inexplicable silence, impotent rage mounts and stirs beneath civilization’s enforced quiet.

No one can withstand the noxious, overpowering fumes that are popular revolt. This white-hot fury grabs us, smacks us around, and propels us into some kind of brainless conflict that everyone gets tired of, sooner or later, and we’re all back to being heroic zombies once again.

Each generation has one. In fact, some speculate that a generation, as a concept, actually begins when one of these events occurs. And each generation loves to talk about it. In fact, some speculate that the amount of talking each generation does in regards to their event is directly proportional to their age, and inversely proportional to the age of the next generation.

However, once in a very, very, very great while – a while so great that the mathematicians wince at the very mention of it – an event occurs with such abject juiciness and destruction and horror that we just can’t talk about it. It’s not that we’re too stunned to play the matching game involving words and emotions; we love to express things in terms we can comprehend, even if the concept can’t be comprehended, and the words are incomprehensible. The reason we can’t talk about it is that there’s no one left to do the talking.

No one expects one of those biggies to happen in their lifetime. I think back to when I was a kid, all the times I sat around the Com-Set terrifying myself with tales of alien invasion and life on Earth and the twisted creatures of pure, unharnessed evil that lived within the recesses of the bitter blue of that planet. One time in particular, when I was only about fifty or sixty years old, I stayed up a few hours later than I should have, when the really good stuff was on. I remember it so well because it was then that I first experienced the true horror of the imagination, and an infinitely small glance at the harbingers of death, constructs of pure, liberated horror, from the confines of the blue planet: pale creatures with long, thin arms, vile, irregular growths springing from the tops of their heads, gaping, cavernous mouths and tiny chins. The worst of all were the eyes: small and resonating with a pitiless, soul-sucking screech, a reflection of the deepest nightmares of the soul.

When word of the contact first reached me, I didn’t believe it. Nobody ever believes this kind of stuff when they first hear it. We wait and wonder all our lives about when they’re coming, what they look like, what they’ll do, and when push finally comes to shove, nobody wants to be bothered. We’re afraid to embrace everything that ever mattered to us and everything we claim to stand for. We’re afraid of what will happen. We’re afraid that we might be able to understand and accept the consequences of our own actions.

After some amount of prodding and cajoling that later gave way to threats and counterfeit promises, freshly minted on the assembly line that we know so euphemistically as business, my manager persuaded me to go out and cover the occasion. At that time, it was not yet an event. It was an obstacle, a barrier between me and my peaceful solitude, a general pain in the brain. Eventually, I decided to just go ahead and do it, and my unenthusiastic acceptance soon turned into a sort of joyfully vicious desire to prove that everyone on the planet had drank from the cup of idiocy except me.

When I got there, I saw how much of an event it truly was. At least, somebody seemed to think so. There were hover-tanks crawling with infantry soldiers bearing viciously sophisticated Oxmer-Strang 117’s, and the heavy air crackled with the sharp tang of ozone produced by the aircraft overhead. Harried officers with rumpled uniforms grasped their heads in the pure anguish erupting from the volcanic incompetence of their underlings, shouting into their coms with mounting fury and reddening faces. Their eyes shown with that age-old combination of fear, pride, and uncertainty that somehow transforms itself into the magnificent seizure called “glory.” It was all so clichéd that I didn’t know what to do with it. Actually, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.

I could hardly hear the rasping of my ragged breath or the fierce, insistent thudding of my twin hearts against my ear drums, but I recognized the familiar fear produced only by the unfamiliar. It was like I was in a holodrama that was so bad and so true that I just wanted to change the channel. But I was completely powerless to do so. I was stuck here in the middle of structured chaos, and it scared the hell out of me.

So I stood there for a couple of minutes, not really sure what I was not really sure about, until something the professionals like to call “professionalism” started to kick in and I decided to take the cue and start moving.

Besides the fact that this was definitely not normal, there was something different about the whole thing that didn’t really dawn on me until days after the contact. When the brain is overwhelmed by the facets of its own debilitating logic, the subconscious hijacks the whole operation and tries to run with it. I must have subliminally picked up the oddity, the wrongness that seemed to surge through the particles of the air like some tangible, untamable force. I just didn’t know what it was.

Now I do.

We did a lot of waiting that day. And then we waited the next day. Then we waited for two more days. I was camped outside the projected landing site during that time that was somehow less than real. Most of my free hours were spent in a tent or in my ground-car, reading and rereading the dispatch received from our proposed visitors, as well as the various, inevitable interpretations being spouted by everyone and their mothers.

Our top scientists finally stopped tripping over themselves and the luminous splendor produced by their invulnerable, scientifically methodical eminence long enough to decode what the aliens were saying. Well, they got the words right, but not the message. I guess they get credit for trying, but I hope they’ll excuse me if I don’t give it to them. I still have a copy of the thing in my pocket. It goes like this:

[Transmission frequency: 018219284/B8]
[Encryption frequency: 00212]
[Date received: 22/4/4887]
[Begin transmission.]

Greetings from the citizens of Earth! For centuries we have awaited the moment that would allow us to communicate with and befriend the beings of another planet, to share our light and our lives with them, and behold the wonders of their own culture. Part of the beauty of being alive is sharing our differences and marveling in our similarities.

We on Earth believe that each creature created by God is valuable and serves a purpose. We live by that ideal, and we take what is granted to us by our Creator to lead us to an existence of liberty and freedom. That is why it moved us to discover that you embody the principles of peace and freedom with a passion to mach our own, when you sent your ambassador to our planet to lead us to your marvelous civilization.

We will be arriving on the planet Jantoris in one week’s time. Our group of scientists, historians, and scholars look forward to the opportunity to share with you.

[End transmission.]
[Date accessed: 22/5/4887]
[Decryption frequency: 21200]
[Transmission frequency: 018219284/B8]

And that was that. And that seemed fine, and would’ve been fine, if not for the fact that we never sent any ambassadors to Earth. We’d given up on the prospect of life on Earth a few hundred centuries ago. We never told them the name of our planet or where we live or what we have to share. All of the transmissions we’ve tried to tightbeam the planet over the years have gone unanswered and presumably unnoticed. Likewise, we’d never received any transmissions from the planet, let alone one that could be run through a decryption machine and allowed to drizzle out to the public in less than twenty-seven hours.

This was worse than madness. Madness, at least, had a definite cause, a tangible premise. This was a random act of terrifying benevolence that nobody knew what to do with, not intellectually and not emotionally. Intellectually, there could be no logical response, because there was really nothing to respond to. Emotionally, we hovered between the nauseating, liquid shock that reaches a tentacle up through the muscles in your face right after they yell “Surprise!” at your birthday party, and total, utter, inexpressible fear.

Five days after the transmission from Earth, they came.

It was right out of a holodrama, plucked from the fevered imagination of
some useless dreamer and laid before us with a stupid grin. They came in their spaceship, a small, shiny affair that looked like it had been spit upon with the dry, heated discharge of a thousand politicians. I was expecting some blue-clad astronaut to walk stiffly down an ascending ramp, globular helmet in one hand and laser gun in the other. Actually, that was the only part of the whole thing that didn’t suffer a cliché.

There was a ramp, and there were humans striding down in deafening silence that resonated within the concrete and echoed against my ribcage. Beside me, a young soldier with terror-hollowed eyes slid his sixth finger toward the trigger of his OS-117, prompting a tensely muttered “Steady, steady” from his sergeant. The sight of the spaceship molding his face into an almost comic grimace, the young man nodded.

By now, the figures had made their way down the ramp, and stood in a neat line in front of their small craft. I was crouched behind a rear wheel of my ground-car, feeling giddily safe despite the fact that anybody within a 100-klick radius of me could probably blow me to bits without a word. Or a thought.

The Earthlings were dressed in simple brown robes that looked as though they were sewn from the rough, tangled sacks that some peasant girl would toss in the dirt. The robes concealed their vacant eyes, but shamelessly displayed their tiny chins and cruel mouths. I shuddered, covering my mouth with my hand and shutting my eyes.

I wish I would’ve covered my ears. Maybe I could sleep at night if I would’ve. I doubt it. My nightmares have never had such bitter inspiration.

They began to sing. I didn’t understand their language, but I didn’t need to. I could comprehend the words, I could feel them, touch them as they brushed against the tips of something I know I’ve always had, but never knew about. They sang, and they sang, and I listened and I felt.

—light, sweeping and bare, the honesty and purity of liberated thought, the transparent darkness of indestructible enlightenment—

—light and the joy of its glow, the birth and the death of worlds, of men, of love and fury, of pain and casual slaughter, no more—

—from the light they came, and the light took them—

—the seeds of conscious thought, and selfish thought, and autonomous thought were the seeds of death, and pain, and the light of darkness—

—bound together as one, the light, the light!—

—sing of the light, rejoice in the light, embrace the light and the light will become not of this world, but of your world—

—gone are the agonies and eerie solitude of the one thought—

—gone are the tears—

—gone is the pain—

—the death is gone—

—the man is many—


Then they killed them. The clueless officers who yelled orders to their equally clueless subordinates, the nervous young man with his finger raking across the trigger of his weapon, the sergeant who had called him to restrain his bloodlust, while trembling with the same, hastily-concealed fear, the reporters with their greedy eyes, the politicians with their outstretched hands, and the crowds who had gathered at the gates, always wanting something, always using any event or any occasion as an opportunity for more, more. They killed them all, and destroyed their instruments of war, and didn’t even move from where they were standing. They killed them all, and destroyed their insignificant thoughts, their small, dumb personal quests, their crazy fantasies and weird, half-formed illusions, and didn’t even remove the hoods that covered their eyes.

Those things, those monsters, those humans killed the unnamed bastards I used to pass on the streets, the faces I knew but never knew, and never wanted to give a second glance, except to make sure they weren’t after my wallet. They crushed the markets with their swindlers and the banks with their moneylenders. They murdered the men at the corners who sold you stims and spice.

Those things, those monsters, those humans leveled the Temple of Artinopio, a monument to some war that happened a thousand years ago, which ended when one side won and the other side lost, and some beings died and some beings lived. They decimated the Caves of Xinvo, where a mythological goddess with an unoriginally unpronounceable name supposedly descended from the heavens and fell into a sleep-beyond-sleep, and she dreamed of what were to become the Jantoris, a magnificent and altogether backward society of murderers and lovers. The writings of some of the most brilliant and most depraved minds that ever existed were reduced to dust by these things who spoke of liberty and purpose. And the humans never even read them before they passed this most critical judgment.

I spend the days where I find myself when I wake up. I spend the nights where I planted myself in the daylight. I don’t think about fighting back, but that’ll come. It always does. We never learn. We never learn.

They let me live. They want me to live. They want me around as an example of what it’s like to be lost, forgotten, abandoned. Confused.

They want peace. They want compassion. The preservation of life. The beauty of the natural way. The holy light of forgiveness.

I don’t give a damn about life. I just want to choose how I die.

Then I’ll know that I’ve lived.

Then I’ll find true beauty.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Troublemakers: Part 2 - Tansarii Point Station - Chapter 2: Assumptions

Renora never had trouble remembering things under pressure. Not only was she capable of retaining nearly ten times the amount of information that normal sentient beings processed on a regular basis via memory-enhancement techniques enacted through the Force, Renora was born with a naturally photographic memory that she’d noticed even before she’d met the strange older woman who levitated rocks with her mind. Conversations, events, minute details that would typically bounce away happily unnoticed and unconsidered, were all logged away in her memory to be replayed, analyzed, and manipulated.

As a matter of fact, Renora probably functioned better under pressure than she did under normal circumstances, since she had not only the benefit of her intellect, her training, and the omnipotent threads of the Force, but of untainted, unmarred adrenal strength. Not to mention the quite formidable strength of her own verbal self-abuse if she screwed up. But sometimes, just sometimes, she wished she didn’t remember things so well.

Take the current state of affairs, for example. She was perched on a tree branch, the strength of which could only be calculated in terms of low probability (which Renora recognized immediately, despite her distaste for the word “calculate”), one arm wrenched painfully out of it socket (which was obviously not a natural thing, and Jedi were all for the natural thing), and the cords of muscle in her neck throbbing with a lifeless, deadening pain in time to the regularity of her pulse. She was surrounded by a bunch of oversized, carnivorous beetles that looked like a drawing from some sort of demented comic cube. She probably had a dislocated shoulder, possibly had a concussion, and was definitely in big trouble. And her weapon was gone.

Despite all of this, and all the inherent distraction that came with it, all she could do was remember something Master Giddy had told her a long, long time ago. Actually, it couldn’t have been that long ago, seeing as Renora hadn’t even hit her seventeenth year in this Force-forsaken galaxy that, against all the odds that her Master refused to hear, she had found some reason to love. Nevertheless, it seemed like several lingering eternities ago, and a couple of infinities tossed in for good measure; from a certain point of view and all that poodoo.

It was in that cave with the squills. Renora had been complaining about how repulsive the creatures were, hideously human in their stature and build, in their long, thin chests and two legs, but something obviously alien and revolting in their small, red-yellow eyes, and the dripping, gnashing daggers lined in neat rows within their cavernous mouths.

=========================


“Go on, say it.”

“Say what, Master?” Renora asked, pausing to catch her breath against the worn, corpse-gray rock in the cave wall.

“I thought it, too, when I first saw them.”

“Master?”

Gidrea regarded her apprentice for a moment, arms crossed against her robed chest. A thin strand of hair, still a blistering red despite her years, had fallen into the Jedi Master’s face. She brushed it away impatiently, reaching down into the backpack Renora had set against the cavern wall.

“Padawan, remember the holos of Master Qui-Gon I showed you?”

“Master, I’m many things, among them annoying and impetuous. But I’m not blind. And not likely to forget something like that. Or someone like that,” she chuckled.

“Those sparkling blue eyes. You would’ve liked him,” Giddy laughed, her eyes suddenly reflecting an odd mixture of happiness and forgotten sorrow. “He was a good man. And a great Jedi. Speaking of Jedi, your Master is getting old. Mind lifting that water bottle out of the pack for me?”

“Another one of those benefits of age, Master?”

“What, ordering you around?”

“No, of course not. You’re my Master, you’re supposed to order me around. That way I learn the value of humility. And, judging by the way things are going, you’re going to be ordering me around for a long, long, long time.”

“I never believed in all that ‘humility’ nonsense,” said Giddy, taking a sip from the water bottle. “I just like telling you what to do.”

“I know that. I just wanted to hear you say it.”

“Why? You haven’t convinced yourself yet?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t asked myself lately. I’m not the one who stands around and chats with invisible people. Master,” she added, muffling a short laugh.

“They’re invisible so they don’t frighten young Padawans who still sleep with stuffed banthas.”

“Hey, I’m not the only one who doesn’t sleep by myself, you know. And I noticed that before you introduced me to Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Master Emeritus. That was just a confirmation,” Renora snickered slyly.

“Good to know some of those lessons on minding your surroundings have finally sunk in.”

“What can I say? I have a very good teacher.”

“Hmph. Anyway, I happened to notice that your skills with the Force haven’t gone away in all the time you spent practicing your wit. Yet you still managed to notice how handsome Master Qui-Gon is.”

“Last I checked, I don’t belong to any weird, backwater Force cult where they burn out your eyes when you achieve mastery of the Force.”

“Mastery of the Force is overrated.”

“I thought you said it doesn’t exist, because mastery is a relative term.”

“No, that sounds like something you’d say. But the point is, Padawan, your senses don’t just disappear when you call on the Force. Sometimes, it’s equally important to pay attention to what your eyes are telling you as well as what the Force is telling you. Otherwise, you might miss something you would’ve otherwise noticed. You can sense a person is coming, but you don’t know how good-looking they are until you do the important part: the looking.”

“So that’s why I’m always crashing into stuff. I don’t use my eyes.”

Gidrea laughed. “No, that’s just because all those lessons about footwork are only good for lightsaber combat. But you can certainly judge the location of a squill by using your nose. You complained long enough about the way they look, but you didn’t mention the smell.”

“I thought it was obvious,” Renora muttered.

“Obvious is a relative term.”

“That sounds like something I’d say.”

“The benefits of youth, Padawan?”

“What benefit is that?”

“Always taking credit for everything.”

“No, Master, that’s just the product of your training,” Renora grinned.

“Only in your mind, my very young apprentice!”

=========================

“Are you going to say it?”

Renora was startled out of her brief reverie and glanced down at the comlink on her wrist. Her thighs had begun to shake with the exertion of remaining crouched on the slender, serrated tree limb, and she closed her eyes for a moment to send tendrils of Force energy to calm the tense muscles. When the trembling abided, Renora took several short, gasping breaths, face and neck awash with perspiration.

“Say what, Master?”

“What you never said at the squill cave.”

Renora shook her head, deciding not to waste her limited reserve of strength on surprise.

“How did you know I was thinking about the cave?”

“I didn’t.”

Sighing, Renora risked a glimpse at the Tanc Mites below her, their gnashing mandibles working in a wet, repugnant display of visceral hunger. She suppressed a shudder, stretching her consciousness into the familiar arrays of the Force that surrounded and penetrated everything around her.

“You have to jump sometime,” Gidrea said, her voice unusually soft.

“Not before I say it,” Renora reminded her.

“That’s okay, we both know Tanc Mites stink.”

“You thought that’s what I was going to say? At the squill cave? That the squills smell bad?” Renora laughed, detecting the briefest of hesitations in her Master’s response.

“What was it then?”

“I was just going to say that Jedi have no sense.”

With that, she hurled herself into the terror below.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Troublemakers: Part 1 - Tansarii Point Station - Chapter 1: Nothing Easy

The sickening squeals and coarse, vile cackling emitted by the gnashing talons of those massive fiends filled the room with terrifying echoes. Their dark, multifaceted eyes, glinting with tints of red and blue and green, reflected the horror in her own. Struggling against the pounding of her rebellious heart, she breathed deeply through her nose and tried to reach out to the Force. With the stench of these vile creatures filling her nostrils and making it impossible to concentrate, this wasn’t the easiest thing to do.

But since when was anything easy?

“Master?” she gasped, feinting at the nearest Tanc Mite with her long lance.

“Yes?”

Renora Ta’a rolled her eyes at the almost lazy response. It was apparent that her Master wasn’t taking the situation as seriously as she should be. As usual.

“Master, I’m not so sure--argh!” Amidst a shrieking cry, one of the beasts directly to her left raised his massive, sharply-haired leg, and brought it down with the full strength of his large body. Renora blocked the blow with her lance and batted its leg aside, pulling the weapon back and forcing it into the creature’s body with a nauseating crunch.

“Master, I don’t think this is such a good idea!” she hissed into her wrist comlink.

“It was your idea, Padawan,” Gidrea replied, her voice muffled by static. To her annoyance, Renora thought she could hear a faint hint of laughter in her Master’s words. Master Giddy was enjoying this.

At least somebody was.

“Master, you pick the weirdest times to be amused.”

“And you have the weirdest ideas of what a good idea is and what it isn’t.”

“I thought it was a good idea at the time!” Renora growled, thrusting her lance into the leg of the nearest overgrown insect and whipping it around just in time to block a mammoth strike from the one behind her.

“Then you should take responsibility for the fact that it’s not,” Gidrea chuckled over the static.

“There’s a word I’ve never heard you use before.”

“What’s that?”

“Responsibility,” she grunted, snapping her lance in an overhead strike at the Mite closest to her and leaping over it. She grinned savagely in apparent triumph, only to land roughly on her left shoulder and roll head-over-boot-heals against an immense tree trunk.

“Ow,” she muttered, looking around frantically for her lance.

When she saw it, she immediately wished she hadn’t.

“Oh, kriff.”

It was about twenty feet away, which wasn’t too far to sprint, even with her cracked head and injured shoulder. But it wasn’t laying in the wispy grass of the artificially maintained bestiary environment. It was resting in the jaws of a Giant Tanc Mite.

“Feeling responsible?”

“Are you kidding? Master, you taught me better than that.”

“I also taught you how to hold your weapon properly.”

Renora glanced down at her comlink in shock, then rebuked herself for being taken by surprise. For all her…eccentricities…Master Lightsky was wiser and more skilled than she let on. At least, Renora had to try and believe that as much as possible. After all, the pair had managed to stay alive all these years within the vortex of turmoil that was the Empire for some reason.

Renora had to believe it was something other than just dumb luck.

“I was holding it properly, Master,” she replied, tensing the muscles in her thighs and centering herself in the Force. “That is, until I wasn’t holding it anymore.”

“Holding it means keeping it, too, you know.”

“So I’ve heard,” Renora grunted, leaping for the tree branch directly above her head and hauling herself up onto the limb. The Mite who had captured her lance reared its head back shook it fiercely. Renora leaned forward on the tree branch and closed her eyes against her mounting fear, opening herself to the multifaceted tendrils of the Force.

She landed a bit awkwardly on a branch about ten feet away, wrenching her injured left shoulder sharply. With growing dismay worming its way through her chest, she felt the joint wrench from its socket. Clutching the bough for dear life, Renora threw her head back and screamed until her lungs ached. An icy fire seemed to weave its way up and down her arm, and her hand slipped off of the limb. Gritting her teeth against the pain, Renora used her good arm to pull herself into a crouching position on the branch.

“Kriff, kriff, kriff,” she mumbled as a thin bead of sweat began to roam down her forehead and into her eyes.

“Shoulder?” asked Giddy.

“No, just my head,” Renora said through clenched teeth. “It hurts from having too many good ideas.”

“I warned you about that…”

“I was too busy thinking to hear you.”

“I warned you about that, too.”

“Should I find it odd that you’re able to keep track of me with such efficiency from halfway across the galaxy?”

“You’d rather I didn’t?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“And I didn’t say that I was keeping track of you.”

Renora sighed in resignation. To her knowledge, there was only one person in this sentient galaxy who could manage to out-talk her. Not that Renora would ever admit it. At least she had been able to keep her mind off of the pain radiating from her shoulder long enough to regain some of her composure.

Hopefully, it was enough to keep her alive for a little while longer.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Useful Trick

It wasn't unusual for people to volunteer to join the Rebel Alliance, but it was odd to have one show up at the hidden rebel base. This one had just walked in, without anyone questioning her until she reached the central headquarters.

"I want to see Luke Skywalker," she said.

She was Togrutan, in her late thirties, tall and slender in a graceful way but with a fiercely haunted look in her eyes. But what brought Luke out of his quarters to see her was a sleek, shiny object she removed from her cloak pocket... a lightsaber.

He walked towards her with apprehension, followed by his loyal astromech droid, R2-D2.

Her wide eyes opened even wider. "Artoo? R2-D2?"

Artoo rotated his dome and chirped with excitement.

"I'm Luke Skywalker," he said quietly. "You know Artoo?"

"I used to. Are you related to Anakin Skywalker?"

"He was my father," Luke said.

"Is he here?" she asked hopefully.

"No, he's dead."

"I'm sorry. When I saw Artoo I got my hopes up," she said sadly.

"Who are you?"

"Oh! Pardon my manners. I'm Ashoka Tano. I was your father's apprentice."





"You're a Jedi. Can you teach me about the Force?

"I was only an apprentice. I can't teach you much, I'm afraid. I have hardly touched the Force in 20 years. I've been afraid to."

"Can you teach me to use this?" He held up his lightsaber.

"That I can do, " she grinned. "That looks like Anakin's saber."

"It is, or so Master Kenobi told me."
"Master Kenobi? Is he..."

Luke shook his head. "I'm sorry, he's dead, too."

She sighed. "It's all right, I'm used to having everyone I know be dead."

"Why aren't you dead?" he asked bluntly.

"I was badly injured during on battle during the Outer Rim Sieges," she said. Luke looked at her blankly.

"During the Clone Wars," she added. "I was sent to Shili to recuperate, I was there for nearly a year and then I heard about the Jedi Purge, so I just stayed there."

"You were lucky, then."

"Lesson one, Luke, there's no such thing as luck. But I guess you could call it that."




Luke brought her to dinner in the community dining room and peppered her with questions about the Jedi and the Force.

"Luke, please, I can't teach you much more than the basics. My study was interrupted by the war, and then I was cut off from the Jedi completely."

She waved her hand casually and the saltshaker rose into the air. Luke's eyes widened. "How did you do that?"

Then she Force pulled it into her hand, and he grinned.

"If you could teach me to do that with my lightsaber, it would sure come in handy," he said. "I'm always dropping it!"

"Yes, that's always a problem when you're learning," she said with a smile.

"We're leaving her to go to Hoth tomorrow," he said. "Can you help me while we wait?"

"Yes, I can teach you that. And it might save your life someday."